I'll admit that lately the lack of self esteem has dragged me down these last few weeks, and I haven't seen my hair dresser this side of New Year, but that doesn't stop my average build, five foot eight from blending in with everyone else. I'll have to admit that the well-cut ankle length leather coat and calf-boots aren't the fare of the usual housewife, but hey, I'm an individual and proud of it.
The usual story plays out with me, a missfit as a child, envious of women rather than fancying them, and ending up on female hormones when twenty, finally getting surgery at thirty one. Since twenty one my life has been lived as a woman, and I'm all the happier for it. I gave away my Italian suit and had a little ceremonial burning of my black tie.
Research while I was a teenager told me a few things ...
- When you're TS, you can't run away from it. You're in for a life of pain and awkward decisions.
- Those that run away typically do become successful, but in their forties the lies usually catch up on them and tear them apart. (along with any family they are a part of by that time)
- If you change when young, you stand every chance of a reasonable life, all be it not particularly going anywhere on any ladder and surviving on low pay, and once surgery is done, children are out of the equation.
So the logical thing was to just face it and get on with life. The digging showed me the chaos and hurt done to families when some men change over in the mid forties, and I am not in to causing more heartache than necessary, so I changed when I was young. I was lucky in that the place I was studying in Sheffield was wonderfully supportive. When it came to the placement year an employer in Rotherham took me on and taught me that just because I was, "T," that it didn't make me useless. In fact, I did a lot of good work for them. Since then, I've worked for many international companies (as well as a few smaller ones) and fitted in to their teams.
So what is the difference between transsexual and transgender? Someone who is transsexual has "trans"itioned the "sex"; ie. had a sex change. Someone who has "trans"itioned the "gender"s has changed their core psychological identity. There are transsexuals who describe themselves as transgender, as they believe it sounds better, politically. C'est la vie.
One of the things I'm asked is if there is anything that I miss from having been a man. Yes, is the answer. I miss pockets. My suit was great, I could stick pens here, wallet there, pen torch in another orifice, and I still looked pretty good. As a woman, the minute I stick anything, anywhere, I look silly. Everything has got to go in the handbag (or tardis, as I call it.)
The only serious regret is that I will never have children and never give my Mother the grandchildren she deserves. My Mother did take a while to get over the situation, but has stood by me, and I'm grateful for her marvelous unfailing support over the years. Also, when I went public, I changed my surname so that my Mother wouldn't be traced and hassled. (you had to fight for surgery in them thar days) but that meant that a family name rare in the U.K. (I think there is only one family unit left in the whole country with the same surname) died when I changed it and will probably die with me; something that the wider family will probably never forgive me for.
On the whole, however, I think it was the right thing for me to do. It has lead to a lot of heartache, and I have no doubt that my life would have been a lot easier and more monitarily successful if I had stayed male, but there is no denying that I am happier in myself, and that I'm stronger as a result. I think one compliment I just received a few minutes ago from a colleague, summed it up, "You've always got a smile; I like that!"
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